chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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