The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize