Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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