Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
