My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
