NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
