I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
