god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
There r osticjed everywhere
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
