I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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