I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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