I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize