I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
