2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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