he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
