I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
