I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
