what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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