no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
