the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
