Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
