Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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