Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
