The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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