Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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