Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
