I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
