It's like a parade of train wrecks.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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