Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
