You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
