Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize