New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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