i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
