pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
