Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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