I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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