I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
