Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
