Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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