I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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