just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
