Tell her she can't have a vagina
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
