I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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