It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
