I wish I could teleport
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
