i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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