I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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