Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
this just has baby written all over it
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
