Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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