I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
