until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
