She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
