dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
