Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
