Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
