Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
