Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
