so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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