somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
