Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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