I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
