Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
it glows. i had to have it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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